sullenboy05

i have given up on a lot up here and sadly i can't firgure out who i am anymore. costly i feel the comparisons to others and i just want to yell stop. it seems like more and more things are beginning to unravel around me and i only feel like a skeleton of the person i once was in the past. i used to be happy but constantly i feel like i am playing this game that i can figure or win. and sadly that has become the point of everything for me. winning. i can't say i am even content because means some sort of calm but i have only been tense for the last two months. the stress is getting to me which is sad when everyone seems to notice my little nuances and quips. i want a release but even when i have silence i have little rumbles in my head. i have been actively keeping myself captive as much as i can especially from those at home. up here i just try to hide things and put on a mask eternal happiness. cheering up others and doing what i can to people out. i am alone honestly. maybe better put as lonely considering how often i am with others. i say alone though because even in a group others i feel like i am by myself. i am been turning to unhelpful measures to cure my pain but it persists. my appetite has gone down and even though i have realized i am still not in a good state. i just look and feel gaunt.

so my feelings are a little hurt after all....

you know how you tell yourself that you will eventually get over someone...well i thought i did, but coming back to minneapolis really hasn't really proved that...having to see him everyday doesn't make it any better...and the fact that we both seem to be avoiding the situation doesn't really make it grand...so maybe i am partly to blame, but it didn't make it any better for him to mention that between the time i told him how i feel and now that he met the perfect guy, but he now lives in detroit and that this guy wants him to come visit him...mark up another loss for me i suppose...but when i truly look at it isn't such a big deal. just sucks that there now seems to be this cloud of unsettledness (i know that is probably not a word) between us and all of our interaction seems awkward on both sides...i don't know how to deal with it and really have no answers...i am not even gonna try to come up with the usual psycho babble that i usually utter from the top of my mind...i guess i just have to refocus to other things. i have been drawing more than before and hopefully my stuff is good...i think that can be mys release if anything...one thing i can say is that i am finally happy with the exterior for the first time since i started school. maybe it is me just not being around my usual crowd of people and feeling as if i have to live up to that but i have realized again that i am just me and that is all i can be...that truly is the best of me and all i can give. i always speak all this shit about loving yourself before anything but truly i did love the inside which is important but i didn't like my outside persona...weird balance you must find i suppose between vanity and caring...right now, even though i have a major headache going and missy is annoying the hell out of me, i feel alright...

so today i found out i can audition for a dancing position at a local club this saturday....

i am not absolutely sure if i will do it, but i think it would be cool just to say i tried...but i also have to get off work....

the fight is on.....

so today i figured out that i am not going to be able to work at all next semester unless i find a late night job. my current job isn't feasible because i will not be able to work tuesday through friday and that just won't help me get the adequate amount of hours i need. things have gotten a little more frustrating since i got back to minneapolis, but oddly i am not angry or disappointed at all. it has almost gotten to laughable status and truly i am okay with it all....i just need time to think....

SIX THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:


1. computer
2. fridge
3. jeans
4. stuffed dog
5. stuffed tigger
6. scarves

TOP SIX THINGS YOU SAY MOST:


1. not gonna lie
2. seriously
3. this sucks
4. i am drained
5. sweet
6. much love

SIX THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:


1. music
2. computer
3. jeans
4. white t-shirt
5. pencil
6. paper

SIX THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:


1. fall in love
2. live in a foreign country
3. meet me'shell ndegeocello
4. design a line of clothing
5. raise a child
6. reconnect with my mom

SIX OTHER THINGS:


Do You(r):
1. Believe in God? not completely
2. Dreams come true? it doesn't happen to you....well me at least
3. Read the newspaper? campus news
4. Pray? when desperate
5. Have a job? yup, chevys in downtown minneapolis
6. Attend church? no

Have you ever:


1. Gone skinny dipping? yeah
2. Had surgery? no
3. Swam in the dark? yeah, and that was mad fun
4. Been to a Bonfire? yep
5. Ran away from home? nope, thought about it though
6. Played strip poker? yeah, very much fun

Six Things In The Last 24 Hours:


Have you...
1. Cried? thought about it
2. Sang? definitely
3. Been kissed? yeah, on the cheek by a girl
4. Felt stupid? yeah
5. Talked to an ex? whnever
6. Missed someone? all too often

i just want to go...

i just want to leave...

i don't want to do this college thing...

i am little stressed right now 'cause i can't register for classes 'cause my tuition is not fully paid yet. guess it just comes with college life. but anyhow, going back home was truly the best thing for me. right now i feel really energized and just ready to accomplish whatever else for the rest of the semester. i don't know. not being around the drama of dorm life was good. especially not dealing with certain people up here. sunday night, i worked and then went out with some co-workers to a club which was fun. probably the goofiest i have been while being out, but hey who cares? it was fun. anyhow, i gotta get back to doing some work so i will talk to everyone later. much love....

only about 8 hours and i am on my way home...i can't wait...never thought i would be so happy to be going home...well, to racine at least...i will figure out where i am staying from there....

so after this weekend i have officially become a frat boy....weird to think though huh? initiation was this weekend and i can honestly say i learned a lot and enjoyed a lot. seriously some good times i will never forget....

mainly i really learned just to relax at times....it is funny though that as the youngest person, people looked to me as the leader. it kinda was cool to me that they thought that...

anyhow, it did suck not having music there but a couple of songs were going through my head... here are just parts of them...

"gotta go gotta leave" - vivian green

couldn’t have given you more,
gave you everything.
there wasn’t anything that you were denied (yeah).
but you should never give it all...
‘cause sometimes there’s nothing left
but bitterness and regret,
and it just ain’t worth it.

‘cause then there’s the sudden change
out of nowhere, it seems.
never know i could be so mean,
but that’s just how far you pushed me (yeah).

you say it just isn’t fair
and you didn’t know.
you need to take responsibility for your own,
‘cause you’re grown.
and you known (yeah)

i gotta go. i gotta leave.
so please don’t make it hard for me.
i’ve gave enough, i’m tired of love,
i gotta let it go...

"shake" - ying yang twins ft. pitbull

up in the club
fuck VIP
P to da I...I to da T
Ying to the Yang
Up in this thang
D to da roc
My Nigga Kaine
Open it cut
Pouring it up
Rolling it up
Holing it up
Aint her ass swollen or what?
Yes sir yes sir
Oh we gonna take it back like theives and foes
Nasty as i wanna be
That must be 2 live for your crew
Hoe get down get low
Im crossin these mammas like tic tac toe
Lets ride lets go
Get loose get crunk get drunk get blown
Thats right lets roll
MIA ATL fo sho

shake shake just shake shake
just shake shake
sust shake chica shake shake
shake shake just shake shake
just shake shake
just shake chica shake shake

mentirosa
mentirosa
mentirosa
dale buebo
dale buebo

....loving these songs right now

tonight starts initiation so i won't be hearing or seeing anyone until sunday night....wish me luck you guys...

p.s. feel bad about last night 'cause i feel like i left a friend in a bad situation and to him i want to say sorry...last night was confusing, i know for you especially so i hope everything turns out for the best....

p.p.s. got to see kate and sarah today which i must say was awesome...just a little hint from home is great every now and then and kate especially, ever so calm in demeanor, is just great to sit down and talk to....

not gonna lie...earning $250 in a night is pretty sweet, but i had fun with it and that is all that matters....

so last night i went to big hair mania to volunteer as a doorman but really just ended up watching the whole show. it was a charity event for minnesota aids project that featured lady bunny...huge drag queen...it was funny...and my favorite...MARGARET "FUCKING" CHO....

i was so geeked it was ridiculous....the only sad part of the night was that my partner in crime, joe d., depledged last night...i still better hang out with him. laz also told me he has a crush on joel which sorta sucked a little bit to hear but whatever...it's all good...

after big hair mania, i went to try to find this grafitti party (a party where you wear a white shirt and people write on it with marker...or on your skin if you don't have a white shirt....) that this guy daniel invited me to and called me about earlier. i was almost there when the rest of the pyramid called...yeah, you can say it...sort of a corny name but hey, i think kai came up with it. kai, gordie and i went to the party, drank a little and i am not sure about them, but i had a good time....knew a good amount of people there and just had fun with it...

got a lapdance from ty ty which was out of nowhere but fun...and you know what happens when i get drunk?....i gave lapdances to lana, kai and gordie...maybe even some random chick i didn't know...met some cool new people as well and had the usual moment of cattiness with brandon, but hey, not gonna lie....it felt good not to care....

it is sorta cool how a new haircut can kinda just release me and free up things in a weird way...well that is at least how it feels...

well tonight is the shower and i think i am just going to have fun with it, no matter what happens. i really don't care what people think afterwards. as long as i am being myself with it than i am good....

much love people and later

...If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

this weekend was tiring and crazy but all and all cool....

so this weekend i worked everyday pretty much...not a lot of hours, but still i did work. the only thing that sucks is that right now i don't get my first check for awhile. kinda need it now, but i guess i will make due.

right now i am just psyched to come back home 'cause in the end, i decided the best thing would be to come home and get out of this environment completely. can't wait to see everyone....it is going to be awesome.

so i just got a text message today from this guy and for a second i really thought to myself..."yup, i knew i wasn't good enough"....

but then i really thought about it and you know what, i'm not even worried about it. i may not look like your average guy, dress all nice, be tall, flat assed, have my own apartment, have access to alcohol easily or what else he wants....but that is alright. i'm me and if that is not good enough for him... forget it and move on 'cause at the end of the day...i am happy with me...the dorky, dance ontop of speakers, don't need alcohol to have a good time(though it ain't bad), supposed ghetto booty having(so he says...which i take as a compliment...though he may say it in a jokingly way), trying to do well in school guy i have always been. and you know what? i'm not changing it 'cause that is me and finally in minnesota i am realizing, i don't need to change that for anyone....later and much love everybody....i think i am finally back to me....and that is a damn good thing.....

i am mad happy right now.....

i am going to see dashboard on december 1st on campus. i am so geeked about this it is insane. i am also mad happy 'cause the opening band is aqualung. how awesome is that? if it would have been sufjan stevens though, i might have pissed my pants or had a orgasm...not gonna lie. anyhow, i love you guys and miss everyone crazily.

i have to go to training for volunteering for the big hair show next weekend. it benefits the minnesota aids project. i am mad happy 'cause i get to see margaret cho perform 'cause she is doing some stand up and is the host.

three reasons why this is awesome to volunteer at:

1. drag queens are hilarious
2. get to dress up in 50s garb, which i think is funny
3. fucking margaret cho...if i meet her, that would be awesome (probably cooler than meeting ben folds to be honest)

later and much love everybody.

p.s. someone comment to something god damnit....lol

i think right now i am pretty content with how things are going...

i got a 96 on my dance midterm which makes me happy as hell to be honest. i need to get an A in this class and short calc so i can get Bs in my other two classes and maybe a B and a C. whatever it is, i have to keep above a 3.0.

right now, i am finding myself getting more focused even though, i am not going to lie, still in the back of my head, i am thinking about my relationships with certain people. i don't know. it is weird to explain. i am also sorta frustrated with someone right now but i don't know how to explain it to them without them getting defensive and taking it the wrong way.

i don't know, i just want to go out tonight. but first i have to finish up my econ homework....which sucks. i just wanna dance...lol. i wish joanna and elise was here 'cause they would love it....too bad joaana isn't 18 as well.

so plans for the day:

1. study for calc midterm
2. perform crucible
3. take midterm
4. print off econ homework
5. do homework
6. go to volunteer event
7. continue homework
8. go out....'cause i fucking deserve it

so this whole day just has been pretty blah...but hey it is my fault i guess, having to wake up to take the bus to get downtown to get some meds...being sick suck...

anyhow, emery was supposed to call me back last night but of course he didn't. i expected it to be that way. november has now become a screwed up month because this weekend i may have to work, but still not sure. next weekend, i am busy and the weekend after that is initiation. and then the weekend after that is thanksgiving and though alicia figured out a ride for me to get back without asking my dad, i sorta just want to stay here. i almost feel like it is better not to show a bad face than go back home and be in a bad mood, but maybe that will change.

my focus is severely off and i really have a lot of work to do, but i slipping and not sure that i can. damn annotated bibliography for english is due tomorrow and i haven't looked up any books. plus i need to study for me calc midterm and i have play rehearsal. god i can't wait for the play to be over. if it wasn't for me doing this for alicia, i would have quit awhile ago.

and then suspicions of shadiness still continue. i really wonder if people are genuine here or just nice to smooth things out. i know i tend to that sometimes, mainly right now only with lawrence, but everyone else i am pretty real with. i tried playing it off yesterday to alicia that nothing was bothering me, but she could tell. i hate sometimes how she have the intuition about me. i was really trying to play things off as if i didn't care, but honestly, i am hurting inside right now and i really just want time to breath.

i almost wish i would have applied to some other schools and got in and maybe went somewhere, but now it seems like regret, and i don't want to do that. it is getting frustrating though and i think i am not helping any being the way i am. i am almost exaggerating the image of myself.

right now i am chilling in kyrah's room updating 'cause i have nothing better to do...

my head is all over the place, not jealous or angry or sad or happy...just sorta out of it. i don't know how to really describe the situation.

i am really contemplating though rather i really want to go back for thanksgiving. i mean, i want to see everyone but maybe it will be nice just to chill on campus with no one around at all. maybe that would be good for me.

i am also frustrated with the fact that i feel that no one believes me about this new rumor that is going around about me that is very much untrue. hurts to be honest 'cause i feel like there is no one i can trust but at the same time i look at myself and say, "hey i was drunk so it is pretty much my fault." i swear i did not do what he says i did, but i almost feel like if i said i did people would get off my back even though i would be looked at in a negative light, but hey what is new about that?

i feel like a glass representation of myself with a hollow center that is so easy to break. i don't want to go back to crying again 'cause i haven't in awhile, but maybe it will help me out in the end.